Thieving Advice
by Inexorable
Summary: Dark gives all you fans out there seven pieces of advice on how to be a good thief. Just as long as you're not better than him.


AN: Don't take this seriously, please. I'm not promoting people to steal. Nor do I steal.

Disclaimer: Ah, if only I was the creator, then I'd be rich and not be dirt poor…

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It has come to my attention that some of my fans believe that thieving is easy. Well, this is _not _true. The life of a thief is a hard one. I may make it _look _easy, but I'll have you know it took me years to get this art perfected. Now, if you still want to become a thief, well then, you've asked the right person how to become one. After all, there are many things to consider before you decide to go out and steal things like me.

**One: Clumsiness is bad, gracefulness is good**

If you happen to be one of those people who can't walk a few feet without tripping over themselves, perhaps this isn't the best profession for you. To be able to steal, you must be able to walk quickly and quietly, to be able to dodge machines that are designated to keep _you _out (come on, let's be serious here, did you really think you were just going to waltz in and waltz out?), and to _not_ make any loud noises that could give you away (i.e. tripping down the stairs).

Now, maybe you're one of those people who trip occasionally. Well…you can become a thief, but I'd suggest not to go stealing at a museum where security guards _will_ hear you and _will_ chase you. To trip in a middle of a thieving expedition is a bad thing, unless you manage to take everyone else down with you…

**Two: Dress sensibly**

Well, isn't this a bit logical? Don't wear high-heels, bells, or anything else that will make noise as you walk, jog, or run. Wear dark clothes to help you blend in with the shadows. Wear a hat if you have long hair, light-colored hair, or both. Do not wear loose clothing. This can impede you when you're making a run for it. Do not wear clothes that are uncomfortable.

Do wear clothes that look sexy. If you want to be known (like me), then you'll let people take your picture to be put on the news, the newspaper, or just to keep around. Well, no one wants to look at someone who wears clothes that don't make them look sexy or mysterious. Do you want to be known as the-thief-who-wears-really-ugly-clothing-and-has-no-fashion-sense forever? No? Yeah, I didn't think so. (If you do not know what "sexy" clothing is, refer to me. I always wear sexy clothes. I _make_ clothes look sexy. If you don't believe this, then I _will_ be angry. And you don't want to deal with an angry Dark Mousy.)

**Three: Make sure you have a quick getaway**

If you managed to steal something and you're running away and people are chasing you (and don't worry, they will be), you'll need to get away quickly. A car is nice…until, in your haste, you realize you've dropped the keys. Or if you crash into something in your haste to get far, far away. Motorcycles are ok as well…until you fall off of one and possibly break something (whether it be something in your body or the thing you were stealing). Just realize that both of these vehicles can be caught.

Now, you may be asking, if I don't approve of motorcycles or cars, then what _do_ I approve of? A helicopter? No, are you stupid? Helicopters take too long to start up, anyway. A boat? Are you kidding me? What would happen to your sexy/mysterious image? You will be forever known as the-pansy-who-ran-away-using-a-stupid-dinky-boat.

What I suggest you use are wings. You can use them anywhere, so you don't have to run to a car/boat/helicopter/motorcycle/whatever. Detachable wings are even better so you don't have to yell and scream as the wings come _out_ of your body. Detachable wings that also are pets are even better for being inconspicuous. Detachable wings that also are pets that have the ability to shift into other forms (such as humans) are the best. And, anyway, people chasing you will never actually _catch_ you when you use wings because by the time they're in the air, you'll be long gone, provided that you're graceful and not clumsy (see, your teachers were right, old lessons taught before _do_ come back and haunt you!).

**Four: Having an accomplice is fine**

Having an accomplice might be a good idea for the fact that one of you can distract the guards while the other steals; or one can help you get away quickly after the stealing is done. However, just realize that accomplices want a share of the loot as well, whereas if you worked alone, the loot would be all yours. Furthermore, accomplices can stab you in the back, either killing you and taking the loot, or worse…handing you in the police. You must take this into consideration when looking for an accomplice…unless your accomplice happens to share a body with you. Then, most likely he won't kill you, lest he wants to kill himself too. Nor will he turn you into the police, as the police will likely not believe him. (Hello, I just wanted to turn in my other half. You see, he's the thief you've been trying to catch, but he sort of shares a body with me. Do you think you can arrest him and not me?)

**Five: There will always be people after you**

Whether it be the fangirls (or fanboys, in some cases) or the police, someone will _always_ be chasing you, especially if you become famous. Contrary to what you might think, fangirls are _not_ a good thing. They are scary, clingy, and will do _much_ more damage to you than the police would. They would literally tear you apart in hopes of getting a piece of you. And yes, I said exactly what I meant. They _want_ a piece of your clothes…or your hair…or of you. So, unless you are a fast runner or suicidal, just be warned that there will _always_ be people after you.

**Six: There will be a hot, sexy, homicidal, angelic-looking blonde looking to kill you**

WARNING. This is very important. If you are very scared of hot, sexy, homicidal, angelic-looking blondes, this is _not_ a profession you should choose. Hot, sexy, homicidal, angelic-looking blondes (Now called HSHAB) will try to kill you and, in their spare time, think of ways to make your death painful. No, I do not jest. Oh, and if the HSHAB's name is Krad, you should be running. You should be running as fast as you can and as far as you can. But it probably won't help. Err…sorry to say, but you'll probably be dead.

**Seven: Be good, but not too good**

It's nice to be good, isn't it? It gives that warm and fuzzy feeling in your chest, doesn't it? Well, that's a good thing. Be a good thief.

But, if you're too good, that's when it turns bad. After all, you don't want to be competing with me for the best thief of the world, right?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Because if you did, I'd kill you.

And stuff…

So, what did we learn from all of my ramblings today? Probably not a lot. Besides the fact that fangirls and boys are scary, HSHAB are even scarier, and to be better than me at thieving is scariest.

Yeah, so don't be thieving, or you might get hurt.

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AN: XD Dark is fun to write… 


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